August 31, 2009

A year ago...

I was planning to help Shirley clean out her basement. It was very distressing to her for people to see her basement messy and I knew that was something that would make her happy. So we spent the whole Saturday on Labor Day Weekend cleaning her basement. Now, cleaning is not my favorite thing to do, but with her...I just wanted her to be happy. And I think she was. I know I definitely did not want her doing it...she did not have the energy for it. I wish it was a year ago.

Shirley is weighing heavy on my mind and heart right now. Her birthday is two weeks away. I'm almost dreading it. It makes me sick to my stomach. I cannot believe she is not here to celebrate her birthday. She loved her birthday.

Is she really not here??? That's how I feel all of the time.

Love,

Teresa

August 28, 2009

Lunch...





with mom and Aunt Carolyn. It was really nice of them to come have lunch with me considering that I never was able to make it out to mom and dad's this week. And Aunt Carolyn leaves tomorrow. Hopefully I will make it up to see my grandma this weekend. Not enough time ...
I hope everyone has a great weekend...
Love,
Teresa

August 27, 2009

My Quote For the Day...

This comes from my very favorite movie of all time....

"Sometimes, I guess there just aren't enough rocks..."

I felt that way last night.

Shirley....

kept me up last night. Could not get her out of my mind. So many memories and thoughts kept flooding my brain. So many tears. Finally I got out my photo album and just let the flood gates open. It was very therapeutic. So many times a day I think of her and have to hold back my crying...this actually felt good. I am sure somewhere in my brain I knew that this was the 7 month anniversary of the day we buried her.

So about 4:30 I stumbled off to bed. Not sure how I will do on two hours of sleep today. And there are plans for Chinese food...sooo...nap time in the afternoon.

Bad Doggie was not happy about the late hours. I didn't realize doggies could give dirty looks...but he can.

Have a great day!!!

Teresa

August 26, 2009

Bad Doggie...




Got groomed. How cute does he look behind that glass. He got his butt and feet shaved. He did not like that at all. Too bad.

Update...Granny is doing good from shoulder surgery. She sounds like she is recovering great. I hope I get out to see her in the hospital tonight. May be the only chance I get to see Aunt Carolyn. :( So busy.

Took Nik Noland to the doctor last night. They were not worried about his headache at all. So I will try to quit worrying. While we were waiting in the room, he told me in one of his classes, his teacher was talking about health care and cancer. He teared up and told me how much he missed his Aunt Shirley. We talked about her for awhile and then we both cried. I worry about my kiddos. I try to talk about her all the time...the good stuff. But I know deep down they are hurting. Especially my softie Nik. That was hard. And now I am crying.

I have a few things I wish she was here to give me advice on today. It's a horrible feeling to need that and just not get it.

Steve's granny went into the hospital with pneumonia last night. Let's say a prayer for both grannies today:)
Love,

Teresa




August 25, 2009

Late Night Thoughts

Anyone who knows me knows that I am a night owl. I like to stay up late...watch movies...whatever. It used to be for fun. Now I have to stay up and watch t.v. until I fall asleep so sad thoughts don't creep in...

Anyway, last night while I was awake late at night...I thought about how we used to play Bunco. It was so much fun. We would have good food, good beverages and a lot of fun. Women only of course and no kiddos. I think we played for a good year or more and then for one reason or another it became difficult to get enough people to play. So we stopped.

I think I am ready to try playing again. I have realized that I need happy things in my life. It would be so easy to just sink into a depression. It's a fight every day!!! And I think this is something that would help.

It wouldn't be the same without Shirley. She was absolutely hilarious at Bunco and so much fun. The Halloween Bunco was the best. She loved to dress up. But I think she would be o.k. if we started up again. I know she would.

Just thinking out loud today....Thanks for listening.

Love,

Teresa

August 24, 2009

I worked all weekend...

and it was not fun. It did keep my mind busy though. I know I have said that helps before but it is so true. In the morning yesterday, I went to the grocery store and cleaned up my house. Was very busy. Then we got in the car to go to Jack's ball game and as soon as we started driving and I relaxed, my mind went straight to Shirley. I just started crying. I realized it was the 7 month anniversary that we lost her. It hit me so fast. I made sure I was busy the rest of the day. I could think about her all day and cry all day every day. But that's not how life works. You are not allowed to do that.

Aunt Carolyn and Mom went to Springfield and it sounds like they had a great time. They got to see a lot of our relatives there...they are lucky.

Tomorrow my grandmother has her shoulder surgery. Ouch!!!

We had awesome weather this weekend. I can feel fall right around the corner. Usually my favorite time of year. Maybe not so much anymore:(

I can't believe it's Monday already....grrrrr...

Love,

Teresa

August 21, 2009

And She was There...

It's beautiful outside, it's Friday and I wanted to go to lunch with somebody. But, I had nobody. On a day like this a year ago, I would have instant messaged Shirley and she would be here in a second to go to lunch with me. But today she wasn't here. So I call Kathy just to talk while I am headed to my Chinese restaurant. I figure I will just go pick it up and bring it back to my desk. It's so nice out I decide to sit out on the bench outside the restaurant and talk on the phone for a little bit. And who drives right in front of me....Kathy. I asked her where she was...she told me...and then ... she was there. I had a lunch date.

Thank you Kathy.

Love,

Teresa

What Will The Weekend Bring...

Well, tonight we will be watching the Chiefs game with Joe and Kelly and the kiddos. Football season is definitely here. And I love it.

I was just telling Steve the other night that I didn't even enjoy any football game or college basketball game last year. It was so completely unimportant. And that was the first year that it was that way since I have been married. :( Made me sad.

Sunday it will be seven months since Shirley left. I am torn between my feelings of hating that time is just ticking away. It feels like she has just been gone forever. And my feelings of wishing it had been 15 years since she left so maybe it wouldn't hurt so bad.

Last night I had dinner with the girls from high school!!!! What a blast. The group included Teresa, Teresa, Jennifer, Kelly, Linda and my sister Kathy. Yea!! They are so much fun. And it was really comforting having Kathy sitting next to me. After dinner at Jose Peppers, we ended up at my house so the girls could meet the bad doggie!!! Teresa has two rescue golden retrievers and they are just awesome. So she wanted to meet the half golden/half chow monster. And so she did. He gave them all their one on one face time. He insists on standing with his paws on your chest and looking you directly in the eye for at least 30 seconds to a minute. You may get a little kiss on the chin...depending what mood he is in. He loved on the ladies for a good half hour and was in heaven. He slept really good last night.

Aunt Carolyn comes to town tomorrow. I know mom is loving that. She will be here for the week and they are taking a little weekend trip to Springfield. Wish I could go. Just can't make the trip this time.

O.K. now that I have rambled on...I am wishing you all a great weekend. Think of my Shirley on Sunday and smile.

Love,

Teresa

August 19, 2009

Bad Dog Was Sad...




Nik was sick. He tried to play with Nik to make him feel better...or he just wanted to play...whatever.


Nik Had a Headache...



and it kept both of us up all night. Monday in the middle of the night, Nik (my almost 18 year old) came to my bedroom with a horrible headache. Medicine did not take it away and then it turned into vomiting. This lasted for four hours. It was awful. I did realize during that time, it doesn't matter if he is 8 or 18. It feels the same for the momma. I just wanted to make it all go away. And the whole time I just sat there and worried it was something a lot worse than just a headache. I came to the conclusion that he had developed some sort of Migraine headache during the night. Headaches are not normal for him so I'm still a little worried. He will see a doctor next week. I will tell you the entire time he was getting sick, I didn't see a boy ...almost a man standing there...I saw my little boy. When Nik was little, he hated getting sick more than anything in the world. He would stomp his feet and get so angry. He didn't stomp his feet the other night, but he wasn't happy.



So another stormy day out and I am back at work. The weather and lack of sleep kind of brings me down. So I will make an effort to think Happy Thoughts today:)

Have a wonderful day...

Love,

Teresa

August 17, 2009

Happy Birthday Kathy


Today is Kathy's birthday. Yea!!!! I hope it is a great day for her. I do know that mom made her blueberry pancakes this morning. That's an awesome way to start your birthday.
We will be having lunch together so I will give her a big birthday squeeze.
The weekend was ridiculous. Between working and cleaning and school shopping...it was over before I even realized it started.
It's dreary and raining here and it's Monday. That's not a great combination for Teresa's emotions. But will try to keep the chin up...
I hope you all have a great day.
Love,
Teresa

August 14, 2009

Facebook

I finally joined and I love it. It's really fun reconnecting with some people. Another outlet for Teresa. Yea!!!

Busy weekend ahead. Of course. I read something today that I thought was so true.

"Whoever said .... Winning isn't everything...never had to fight cancer!"

When it comes to cancer...winning is everything. It's the only thing there is or you die. Poor Shirley was never even given the chance to put up a fight. Cancer had won before the fight ever got started.

I'm not as much sad as I am reflective today. I will hope for everyone a safe and happy and fun filled weekend:)

I love you,

Teresa

August 13, 2009

Bad Dog ....Was...


Sleepy dog. "Why are you taking my picture...it's 2:00 in the morning?" My doggy keeps me company when I am up late at night. Unfortunately, he has to have his picture taken when I get bored. I don't think there is any better comfort than hugging on a doggy. And kissing his face. Even if he does eat innocent baby animals.
Weekend is approaching and that makes me happy. Mom just called and asked me to play bingo tonight. I wish I could. That sounds really fun. But I have soooo much to do. So I'm sad I can't go. A little mom/daughter bonding would probably do me good.
The next week or so will bring Kathy's birthday, Aunt Carolyn is coming to town, Grandma is having shoulder surgery...I am sure I am missing something. Staying busy...that's the secret!!!
Love,
Teresa

August 12, 2009

Lunch....

With Kathy:)

Mexican food...not Chinese. It was good. It's been over a week since I have seen her and our visit was desperately needed. Teresa was in need of some "sister" time. We talked non-stop (I know...hard to believe) for the entire hour. And we really were not done then. But...back to work. Thank you Kathy:)!!!!

Life is just kind of going along right now. Nice and calm. I think I should appreciate that more than I do. I did say to someone yesterday...between bouts of crying in my cube and missing Shirley...that I almost wish it was 15 years from now. So maybe the hurt of Shirley being gone for 15 years would be less than the hurt from her being gone for 6 months. Right now, the pain is really unbearable. Even saying the words that she is gone...feels wrong.

I know that there is no right or wrong way to feel. And everyone feels and reacts differently. I don't know what my future holds or what my family's future holds. I do pray every night that the pain gets a little easier. I feel selfish asking for that. I should hurt ... I hate her being gone more than I have hated anything in my life. I'm not sure I have ever felt the anger that I feel for her being gone with anything else in my life. But I do pray that it gets easier...and that life just keeps going the way it is...no major problems. Everyone healthy and happy.

I will say I can't wait for the day that I can hug her again and feel her hug me back. I can almost feel it right now.

Love,

Teresa

August 11, 2009

Founder of Special Olympics has died:(


For those who did not know...my daughter has participated in Special Olympics. So I am sad that she has died. I am sure that Eunice Kennedy Shriver is better known for being JFK's sister, but I think she must have been a really good person to create an organization like the Special Olympics.


Kelsey has participated in Cheerleading and Gymnastics and always has done really well. When Shirley got sick, I cut out as much as I could in my life to be there for her. And that was one thing that we stopped doing. Aunt Shirley would always come and see Kelsey perform. It will be hard...but I think maybe we should start again.


Love,


Teresa

Sadness is Sometimes Overwhelming...


and I just can't take it. I don't want to feel this way anymore. I just want her to come back so we can have fun like we used to. I was trying to think how I would explain to somebody what I am feeling and it's basically this...the most comfortable person that I could be around, I could 100% be myself. It didn't matter what I looked like, skinny or fat, sloppy or neat, hair done or not done, I could be me. And she would love me no matter what. I knew she was not looking AT me. I knew that if I wanted to do something with her, she would want to do it too. I could hug her or touch her and not think twice about it. That would be o.k. Anything I needed to talk about, no matter how small or big, she was really interested. She knew every single thing about me. I know for a fact there are things that only she knew about me. Not one other person in this entire world knew the things about me that she knew. And...she thought I was funny. I could make her laugh without even trying. That may be my favorite thing about Shirley:)
So I am going to sit here in my desk today and feel sorry for myself. And cry. I will try again tomorrow.
Love,
Teresa

August 10, 2009

Yes, I am Alive!!!!





I had no idea camping was so much fun. I actually enjoyed setting up my tent and cooking over the fire. I cooked everyone the bacon and eggs yesterday morning and it turned out delicious. They had us in a spot that was completely covered by trees so it was cool the entire time. At night we actually had to use our sleeping bags. At night, we would spend girl time around the camp fire. Saturday we were on the river floating for about 6 hours. And that was my favorite part. I love the water, I love the sun, I love nature. I am burnt and sore today, but hey, I'm 41. Not as young as I used to be. And yet, I am ready to go again.
It was awesome to go with the girls from work, but I was so happy Kelly went with me. I know I would not have enjoyed it as much as I did without her. We work really well together. In more ways than one. By yesterday, we were both ready to just come home. We missed our families.
I think I am done taking trips for awhile. No more until Mexico in January.
I am really proud of myself. There were several times I could have become a big crybaby this weekend. There was alcohol, girl talk, campfire....Shirley entered my mind a lot. But instead, I told the funniest Shirley story ever and made everyone laugh. Most of you know the funny Shirley story which involves Kohl's. It felt good to laugh instead of cry. I will tell Shirley stories for the rest of my life.
There was also a lot of snoring going on in the campsite. Definitely brought back Shirley memories.
Now, on with the rest of the week....grrrrr!!!!
Love,
Teresa




August 07, 2009

Hmmmmm....


"Your willingness to recover and rebuild reflects the very best of what your loved one has given you".
I just read that on the website I get on for bile duct cancer. It's a support group type of website and it does help. I just don't know if quotes like that help me or not. I do think about it a lot when I read them. But when I try to figure out if it is helping or not, I always realize that the huge pain that I feel is still there. The tremendous feeling of loss and hurt. So I don't think it does help. I already know that Shirley left me with a million memories that make me feel good and laugh and cry. But that doesn't make me feel better that she is gone. I wish I was that type of person that it would help. But it doesn't.
When I get extremely sad, I really do try to remember the funny things she did. Which, as we all know, go on forever. It does make me laugh.
Funny thing...when I woke up this morning to see if I had packed everything I needed. I wondered if I should pack one of my pictures of her. When I am at home, she surrounds me in a million pictures in my house. When I am at work, her picture sits right in front of me. So I see her and think about her every single day. I am now going camping, and I won't have that. So, of course, ....I packed a picture:)
Wish me luck on the camping trip. The hottest weekend of the year of course. I will report back on Monday ....hopefully!!!!!
Love,
Teresa
P.S. Jesse (Kathy's daughter) is in a pageant this weekend!!! Good luck Jesse!!!! Aunt Teresa
loves you.

August 06, 2009

One More Day ....

until camping!!!! I am really excited. It is supposed to be really hot but that's o.k. It will be great on the water.

Today is Bea's birthday!!! Happy Birthday Bea. Hopefully Timmy and the kids will do something really special for you. You deserve it.
Not much else going on. Jakie comes home from mom and dad's today. I think I am ready. I don't like to go too long without them home.
Have a great day!!!
Love,

Teresa

August 05, 2009

How to Make a Dog Come To You....

would be a good thing to teach a bad dog. He escaped out the front door this morning as I was leaving for work. Prancing just as happy as he could be. No way was he coming to me...I would just put him back in the house. I spent the next 45 minutes chasing him. By the time I was done, I was sweating like a pig, I was dirty and exhausted. I was sure when I did get a hold of him, somebody would call the Humane Society on me for abusing my dog. Luckily two German Shepherds caught his attention and when they started barking at him, he got scared. I grabbed him with everything I had and I was not letting go. I think he walked a block on his back two feet. All I know, as we were walking, I had two hands on his collar, he was standing up and we were eye to eye, with me yelling and lecturing the entire time. I'm sure this would have made a great You Tube Video. Grrrrr....

O.K., now that is out of the way. We are five days into August and the weather for this summer has been great. Nice and cool. So now it starts to heat up...the weekend I am going camping. Yuck!!!!

I talked to mom today and she is having a good time with the kiddos. She has Jake, Sam and Alex this week. She said Sammy is such a sweet girl. They are baking and playing games. The boys I am sure not so sweet. But I think they are helping dad out a little. When she told me how sweet Sam and Alex are, I told her that is the one thing Shirley did best...be a momma. She was a great mom and those kids are proof. They look like her, they have a lot of her personality and just all around good kids. Thank God we have them.

Love,

Teresa

August 03, 2009

Bad Dog Has A Flea....






Grrrrr.....bad dog. So yesterday morning...we were up and giving the flea bag a flea bath. And washing everything in the house. I don't think it worked. I think he still has a flea. So two pictures are of the wet dog and two pictures are after I brushed the crap out of him. He was not happy...and he was worn out after we were done.

It was a good weekend. We spent Friday night and Saturday night hanging out with Tim and Bea. This Mexico trip should not have any problems at all as much planning as we are doing. Well, not really planning...just talking. Getting more excited!!!!

This weekend I will leave on Friday and go on a little float trip with some girlfriends. I hope we survive. I don't think any of us really know how to camp so it should be interesting. Wish us luck!!!!

One of the funniest stories I ever heard about camping was when Shirley and Mike went camping and Brandon went with them. I think the story goes that in the middle of the night they thought they were being attacked by a bear or wild animals....but no...it was just Aunt Shirley snoring. I never, ever thought I would say this in my entire life...or would I have a reason to say it...but I miss her snoring:(
It's Monday...again...I hope you all have an awesome week!
Love,
Teresa