Grief...

So, like I said...I feel like I have been dealing with this better every day. There are days that I don't...but regardless. On one of my websites I get on to...there is an article from the New York Times about dealing with grief. And one sentence in this article jumped out at me. It's something I try to explain to people but just cannot put it into the right words:

“It’s as if the brain were saying, ‘Yes I’m anticipating seeing this person’ and yet ‘I am not getting to see this person,’ ” Dr. O’Connor said. “The mismatch is very painful.”

So many times I am going somewhere or doing something and my first thought is still "I wonder when Shirley will be there" or "I can't wait to see Shirley and tell her something". And then just as quickly...it changes to "She will not be there...she will never be there again". It's such a conflict of emotions in my brain and body and is very upsetting. I guess when they say it takes time...that is what takes time. For your body to break the habit of those feelings of anticipating seeing her.

Anyway...those are my deep thoughts for the day. That's really about as deep as it gets in this brain.

And in response to Miss Kristi and Paige's comment...yes you are welcome to share any stories you would like about our girlfriend Shirley. I am sure you saw your own side to Shirley that not many of us saw:) I love more than anything hearing stories or memories of her. Most of the people I am around on a daily basis did not even know her. So when I talk about her, I get the courtesy smile or laugh. Which is nice...but not the same. Everyone is welcome to share a story on here. And you can do it through the comment or feel free to email me for the login to this blog and I will be happy to give it to you and you can share it right on the front page.

This website is still 100% about Shirley and it always will be. And that is because it is my way to keep her close to me and to help me deal with my grief. And the more people who share ...the more it helps me. And if it helps anyone else, that is awesome.

Have an awesome day!!!!

Love,

Teresa

Pumpkins

Another memory...Almost every fall, especially when our kids were little kids, we would pile them all in a car and go to the pumpkin patch. It was perfect because we would do the hay rides and the kids would have so much fun together. Between the two of us...we have 5 kids. Back in the day, we did not have a vehicle that fit seven people with seven seatbelts. I am guessing this was about 10 or 11 years ago and off we went on our way to a pumpkin patch. Here's where it gets crazy...Shirley was driving. I think we had squeezed two kids into one seatbelt...I know that's wrong...but at the time we didn't have any other choice. So...back to Shirley driving. I bet you can't guess....she was speeding. My kids were probably 5, 6 and 8 at the time. Sure enough...we get stopped by the police for speeding. I promise you that when 5 and 6 year old little boys get stopped by the police...they never forget it. And mine have not ever forgotten. They teased her about that even when they became teenagers. The pumpkin patch was a success but the big story that day was us getting pulled over the police. Shirley did not get a ticket that day...and after we let out a big sigh of relief...we laughed all the way home.

I love telling those stories. It's just like I can take myself back to a time when we would sit around and laugh about those memories. I miss her laugh and how good she made me feel. But that helps when I write that story on here.

I think that may be one of the hardest things for me. Finding the right time and place to tell my Shirley stories. I want to tell them all day. It just doesn't happen. And people are really missing out. There is nothing better in the whole world than a Shirley story. Except Shirley here to tell it.

I am doing a lot better. At least I think I am. I feel like I am. So for now... that's good.

Love,

Teresa

Remembering a year ago...

So this weekend was pretty uneventful. Not much going on at the moment. Normal family stuff. I looked back at what I was doing a year ago...and man...do I wish I was there. I had written about having Sam and Alex over and how happy all of the kids were. Shirley and mom had gone to the renaissance festival. Life was good. I know there was the stress of the unknown but we were all still here and happy.

I was thinking this morning while I was driving into work how Shirley would have already had her halloween decorations up weeks ago. She had great halloween decorations. Now, they are gathering dust in the basement.

Things are calm now...too much time for thinking...Need to stay busy!!!!

:) Have a great week.

Love,

Teresa

Visitor at 2:00 in the morning...

and it wasn't Shirley. So...still having a little bit of insomnia. Sitting in my living room at 2:00 with bad dog sleeping in front of the open door. I see something out of the corner of my eye....on my porch. Right in front of bad dog. I look again...it's the biggest freaking raccoon I have ever seen. It was as big as my dog. Claws were super long and thick. I was terrified. I jump up to shut the door...bad dog still not moving. Thank God...the raccoon would have won that fight for sure. Slowly...raccoon turns and climbs up the pole and goes on top of the roof. I am stunned...no idea what to do. Of course...everyone else sound asleep.

As I am standing there with no idea what to do...and no protection from the bad dog...grrrr....down comes the raccoon. He turns and looks at me again...and then slowly saunters off.

So basically...that kept me awake for awhile longer.

Trust me...raccoons are not cute and cuddly. They are disgusting. And scary.

Weekend is here...yea!!!!! I hope everyone has a great weekend and watch out for scary raccoons.

Love,

Teresa

Dinner...

was a great time again. Teresa, Kelly, Denise, Jennifer, Linda and I all met at Johnny Carrino's last night for dinner...my high school friends. The good was good but the company was great. A couple of hours to escape... I realized as I was sitting there last night how comfortable I have become with these friends. I remember when Teresa first asked me to get together with them, how nervous I was. How lost I was without Shirley...just calling her up and asking her to go with me. Because in those situations...she was always there for me. But now...every time I leave...I find myself looking forward to the next dinner. I try to thank them for including me every time...I really hope they know how good they are for me and how much I appreciate it. They also let me talk about my grief which is obviously very good for me. And it's nice because they knew Shirley...and know how much I love her.

I feel like I am doing a lot better dealing with my grief. I have kind of turned a corner. So that is good for now. I have done a lot of thinking and I just have a really big emptiness I have to try to fill. It's great getting together with family and friends...big help. And I know that I will never fill it completely...but that is my goal. I prayed this morning about it...and I also asked Shirley for her help.

I also realized by looking back at my blog...that a year ago this week is when some of Shirley's friends started commenting on the blog. And some of them are still talking to me on here. I can't explain how good it makes to read the supportive comments. There are so many good people in the world. We need to appreciate them more.

I am really looking forward to the weekend. A couple of hours a night of sleep are just not cutting it. By Friday night I am expecting to crash.

Love,

Teresa

8 Months ago today...

Shirley passed away. I feel like on Shirley's birthday a made some progress with my grief. I have done really well since that day. I still have moments every single day I tear up. It's a lot of work to push grief away and remember happy times. But that is what I am doing. I haven't slept for 2 nights and I woke up crying...weird how my body and mind know ... even when I don't think I am thinking about it.

So today we will move forward...I am having lunch with Mom, Cindy and Kathy...Chinese of course!!!! Yea!!! And tonight I will see my girlfriends from high school. These people will help me get through this day and every day.

I did wake up to Bad Dog kissing my whole face...it doesn't get much better than that.

Love,

Teresa

FUNNY MEMORY...

I am sitting at my desk and listening to the radio. The song "Tequila Makes Her Clothes Come Off" comes on. That makes me burst out laughing. Because everyone who even remotely knew Shirley, knew she liked Tequila. So everyone would just think of Shirley when this song came on. And everytime, she would look at me and ask "why do they think that song is about me". I would crack up. Uh...because Shirley...you love Tequila and you get wild and crazy when you drink it".

Anyway...funny memory. Songs always bring back memories for me. Some sad...some happy.

Fall is arriving...leaves are falling. I love it.

Love,

Teresa

Bunco Was a Success!!!!

EXHAUSTED BAD DOG!!!! (that's what he gets)

Here are some of the pictures from the evening. I will say that from my end...it was definitely a success. I won some big money...and had great friends and family over. We had margaritas, deli sandwiches...and an endless supply of laughter!!! It's great to see people come together who have never met and within a few minutes seem like old friends. The bad dog did terrorize everyone most of the night. These 11 people now know why I call him bad dog. He wanted their food, the dice, their drinks, all of their attention. He demanded to be part of the fun and games whether they wanted him to be or not. Once everyone was gone...I relaxed on my deck and I am sure with a huge smile on my face...thought about what a great evening it was. I needed it more than I could ever have imagined. And didn't even realize it.

And, we plan to do it again. Mom will be hosting the next bunco. So I am already excited for the next one.

When you look at the pictures, I am sure it is obvious that our girl is missing. Her big smile and red hair. Her laughter was missed. I have her pictures up everywhere so when I was missing her...I just peeked over at her and imagined her there. It works for now I guess.

Fall is coming....I left my house this morning and leaves were falling. I am ready. Changes of seasons will be good. My favorite part of the year is right around the corner.

I will be having lunch with mom and hopefully Kathy and Cindy this week. I will also be doing a dinner out with my high school girlfriends. I feel so blessed to be surrounded by so many wonderful people. Shirley and God know that is what I need. It's the only way I will survive. And for now it's working.

I love you all and thank you so much for loving me:)

Teresa

Tonight is Bunco...

And I am excited. I think that getting together for this game has always been one of my favorite things to do. It's not the easiest thing in the world to find 12 women who are available at the same time but once that is taken care of...let the games begin. My house is not ready, I don't have all the food, but I can't help but be excited. It's also a chance for my co-workers and friends to meet some of my family...and of course the Bad Dog. A chance they probably wouldn't get any other time. I am curious to see how Bad Dog deals with all of the ladies. I tried to have a little discussion with him this morning about not stealing any of their food off of the table...or sniffing any butts or crotches..or jumping on them and licking them to death...but he was really only interested in rolling around on my bed and messing up the blankets after I made it. His attention span is not very big. I am sure if he could...he would have rolled his eyes at me and said...Whatever!!! Just like my teenagers at home. Grrrrr...

I have avoided talking about how much I will miss my Shirley tonight. She was a huge part of our bunco parties. She was usually very tipsy within the first 15 minutes and as soon as a good song that she loved came on...she was dancing. Her giggling would be infectious and would have us all laughing within minutes and it would continue throughout the night. So, yes, she will be missed. Soooo much!!! But we are going to do the best we can and hopefully it will be a success and we can continue on in the future.

I am praying for a great weekend!!! I am praying Kathy hears good news about her job prospect. And I am praying for all of my family and friends that I love with all of my heart!!!!

Love,

Teresa

CD Player

9 months ago Shirley was in the hospital at K.U. Medical Center, in December. I was really sad that Shirley could not listen to our very favorite Christmas music...Elvis Christmas Music. So on a Saturday I ran in to my job and grabbed my CD Player off of my desk and took it up to the hospital along with my Elvis CD. This music was our favorite for as long as we could remember. We grew up with this music.

But when I got up there and put it on...she didn't want to hear it. She was too sick. She hated the noise. It made me soooo sad. So I ended up taking the CD Player back home and just sticking it on a shelf.

Today I decided I wanted to bring this back in to work so I could listen to music again at my desk. I grabbed it this morning along with my Patsy Cline CD's and headed to work. I plugged it in, opened it up...and what do I see? My Elvis CD.

An example of how Shirley affects me every single day of my life. It actually made me smile. Thinking of us listening to that music.

I have been very happy since Shirley's birthday. I think I got a lot of sadness out that day. I will be having lunch with Kathy shortly...yea!!!!

Bunco tomorrow!!!!

Love,

Teresa

GRRRRRRR....

(BAD DOG)!!!!

Bad dog on the loose. Kelsey just left me a voicemail on my phone...(slow talking Kelsey) "Hey mom, it's me Kelsey. I just wanted to let you know that I'm home and I had a good day and....(fast talking Kelsey) the dog is in the front yard. Bye."

Grrr...frustrating sitting here at work knowing my kids are running all over the neighborhood chasing a bad dog, who by the way, is as happy as can be that this is all happening.

Good day today!!!! Happy Wednesday!

Love,

Teresa

P.S. Two days until Bunco!!!

The Fog Has Lifted...

And it is a new day. Yesterday was hard...for my entire family I am sure. I got up yesterday morning and took Shirley some balloons and flowers. After that I went home. I had planned on spending the day alone but then Kathy came over and we sat and visited for awhile. It was nice.

Some days it seems I am having a very hard time. But it's not every day. I feel like I am making some progress. Some days are just worse than others.

I did get the confirmation of our Mexico trip today. That definitely helps!!! I am really excited. I think we will have a great time.

And Bunco is Friday at my house. Yea!!! A/C is out so let's hope the weather holds like it is. It's beautiful right now so I think we will be o.k. Bad Dog is definitely looking forward to some company.

I definitely need to thank everyone who either gave me a phone call, sent me an email or just simply prayed for me. I appreciate it more than you will ever know. And I am sure that is what gets me through the difficult times.

I hope everyone has a great week and I look forward to seeing whoever on Friday. It should be a great time!!!

Love,

Teresa:)

September 14, 1966...

Happy Birthday To You...Happy Birthday To You...Happy Birthday Dear Shirley...Happy Birthday To You.

for 42 years Shirley's friends and family celebrated this wonderful birthday. That will not be what we do on the 43rd year. The 43rd year we will be filled with sadness and disbelief that she is not here to celebrate her birthday. We will look back and think to ourselves...is she really gone? So young? There is no way we would have ever guessed we would not celebrate Shirley's 43rd birthday with her. No way!

I have been dreading this day for quite some time now. Not knowing how I would feel but knowing that I was dreading it. Because it goes against everything I have ever felt on this day for as long as I can remember. For the past two weeks I should have been counting down the days for Shirley until her birthday like I do every year. And begging her to tell me what she wants or how she wants to celebrate. Helping her plan what we would all do on her birthday. Instead, I have been struggling to figure out the least painful way to get through the day.

This is what I have decided...I am going to spend this day alone. Every day, a hundred times a day, I fight sadness. I fight back tears. I fight back screaming to people around me how unfair it is that she is gone. Today...I'm not fighting. Today, I will mourn Shirley. I will allow myself to feel the sadness, the hurt, the guilt of being here with my children and she is not, the loneliness of losing my best friend. I will let all of the memories that I keep locked up to come flooding back. I will go visit Shirley. Cry for the times when I am sitting at my desk at work and can't cry, or when I am grocery shopping, or sitting with my family watching t.v., or at a family gathering and looking around and realizing she isn't there, or laying in bed at night not wanting to wake anybody, or when I am having a conversation and laughing on the outside and wanting to really just break down and cry and tell you I am really not happy. I am just doing what I am supposed to. That this is ALL fake!!!!

I will look at her pictures today, watch her videos and just feel sorry for myself.

If she was here...what would I get her? Last year Kathy and I bought her Christmas Carolers. She wanted these really bad. So, we bought them. And we were so excited to give them to her. I swear, even though I knew how sick she was, I never considered it being her last birthday with us.

So this year, would she want something purple? Would she want a big birthday breakfast? Would she want to go and get a massage? Would she take the day off of work on her birthday? Would she want to go to some antique shops or the dollar store? Would she want to go to Red Lobster for dinner and for dessert have a big plate of fudge brownies? Would she want a margarita..or her favorite bottle of wine? Would she want to go dancing ... and dance to her all time favorite song "I like that old Time Rock and Roll"? Would she want to go on the cruise that she never went on but dreamed of even when she was a little girl? or would she want to build herself her dream Victorian house? Would she watch every episode of Murder She Wrote? and sit around and eat peanut M-e-M's (not M&M's)? Would she want to play cards at mom and dad's and be with family? You see, if you knew Shirley...these were her favorite things. Well, just a few.

When Shirley hugged you, you knew she loved you. She showed her love openly and what a great feeling to know that Shirley loved you. And so many people loved her.

I miss her. More today ...more every day. I keep hoping this is just a nightmare...but it's not. It's gone on too long now.

So, if you have ever celebrated a birthday with Shirley, or even if you haven't....let your good memories come back today. And cry if you want. Or laugh.


I love you,

Teresa

Kathy is Sad:(

Had lunch with Kathy today...she is sad. Think happy thoughts for her.

Love,

Teresa

This is all I have for now...Sorry

Sometimes I still hear the sound of your voice.
I wish you were still here with me, but you had no choice.
I know an Angel held you as your body said goodbye.
But that doesn’t stop my heart from breaking.............“I miss you and I cry”.

No one can believe that you are really gone,
Our hearts are broken and our spirits moan.
“She was to young”, I’ve heard people say,
“Why did she have to die this way?”

I try not to be angry, I kneel and I pray,
Asking God to be with us, as we face each day.
I always try to give Mom an extra kiss,
To make up for a little girl, she will always miss.

I understand everyone's emptiness and their sorrow too,
Because, “My precious sister..... we all miss you“.

I know you are happy in Heaven above,
Surrounded by the Angels and all their love.
But today on earth, my heart still grieves,
Because you are no longer here to talk with me”.

I will look toward Heaven, for I know I will see
A Star that will suddenly glow big and bright,
It will be my sister smiling......... and watching over me.

My heart is too heavy, I am way too sad. I know it has everything to do with her birthday and she's not here to celebrate. I feel selfish because I have so much. I feel ungrateful. But I can't help it. I still want her here. So this is the only way to express my feelings right now.

Love,

Teresa

Sad For Kathy

Kathy's poor doggie Cali died today. We were supposed to do lunch today but she decided to go home and check on her doggie first. Poor Cali is 15 and has not been doing very well. When Kathy went home, she knew that it was time. So we cancelled lunch and her and Mark took Cali to the vet. It was time.

Wow, that makes me so sad. And now she has to tell her girls tonight. Pray for Kathy and her family...it's so hard to lose your pets. But I guess Shirley has a new friend today.

Love,

Teresa

Where to start...

Friday night...Teresa spent in bed. Still wasn't feeling too great. Saturday was spent cleaning and shopping for Nik Noland's big 18th birthday. We ended up at Joe and Kelly's that evening to watch K.U. football team win big. They fixed some delicious food and it was a really great time.

Sunday was the big day. The whole family showed up. Even Kathy and her girls. They were supposed to be out of town but lucky for me...they didn't end up going. So, it was really awesome. The party was great. It was so nice to see everyone in the same room again. I really needed that.

Yesterday was the recovery from the weekend. We did get our fantasy football league together but other than that...not much else went on.

My Shirley story for the day was that Saturday night I had a dream about Shirley not being at my party on Sunday. And it was really upsetting. And in my dream she told me that I would have Kathy there. When I woke up Sunday I was sad because I didn't think I would have Kathy there. And then I got the call that she would be there. Funny how things work out.

I think mentally I am on the countdown to Shirley's birthday. It is on Monday. I don't know how I am going to deal with this. I don't think very well. But we'll see.

Love,

Teresa

Bad Doggie Took Care of his Momma...

This is my view with bad dog standing over me

Sleeping on the job...bad dog.

Awake and ready to play...is that a smile or is he ready to bite...hmmmm

I'm here...

I guess. I have been sick for a couple of days with a bladder infection. Spent the whole day yesterday in bed with the bad dog. I am definitely missing him today. He looked at me this morning like "where are you going...?"

The weekend is almost here. 3 day weekend. Yea!!! My son turns 18 on Sunday. Birthdays for my kids usually make me very sad. I cry a lot. Watch some home movies. Big Crybaby.

I know I had mentioned to some people before that I was thinking about having a get together for Shirley's birthday this year. I don't think I will be able to do that. I am having a seriously hard time dealing it with it on my own. I am not sure that emotionally I am up for sharing that yet. I thought I would be...but I'm not. And things are particularly hard right now for some reason. If I even mention her name or talk about her I burst into tears. If I know somebody is going to ask me how I am doing ...I cry. So probably not good yet.

Bunco has been set. We will be playing on the 18th and I am super excited for that.

I hope everyone has a safe and fun holiday weekend.

Love,

Teresa

Not much going on...

in the life of Teresa. Right now I think that is a good thing. Just really down in the dumps lately. Work is overwhelming, kids are overwhelming, life is overwhelming. It's hard to fight every day to keep from getting down...sometimes you just give up. I think I am at that point for the moment. Like I said yesterday, Shirley being gone is weighing on me tremendously. It's a fight every day to try to just keep moving forward. Of course, I know that I have to and this I am sure is just temporary.

I am planning for Nik Noland's 18th birthday party on Sunday. It will be nice to have family over. Maybe that will help. We will see.

Sorry to be such a downer. Not fun to read when it's like this.

Love,

Teresa

P.S...thanks for the hug Teresa:)